I have known my husband for 4 years now. I have spent close to half of that time married and in the same house with him. We have been through amazing times together and we have had our fair share of bad times. Through all this, I have come to one conclusion; I never got the man I wanted. No I didn’t. I got the man I needed.
When I was growing up I had all things I wanted in a man. Many women have it too – we call it The List. We judge any man we meet against this list and we keep him or let him go depending on how he scores. There are different versions of this list but the idea is the same.
Here is the basic list for most women – items in order of importance 🙂
- Good looking
- Taller than me
- In a good stable job
- Makes lots of money
- Well educated – at least degree level
- Can cook gourmet meals
- Great sense of humor, good company
- Gentle, kind, caring, God-fearing etc.
When I got born again, God-fearing came to number 1 but the rest of the list remained the same. Throughout high school I walked around with this list in my head. As I got into my early 20s, God began to challenge me – not on the concept of the list but on the things in my list. I started to grow up.
Now that I’m married, I look back and see how absolutely ridiculous my list was – even after severally revising it over the years. I honestly think God has a great sense of humor. I visualize Him going through my list and roaring with laughter. He then calls Angel Gabriel and goes “Take a look at this!” Angel Gabriel laughs until he’s out of breath then shares it Michael who sighs with sympathy because he’s a polite guy. God starts striking items off the list and adding some of his own as the angels surrounding him shake their heads at my naiveté.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a list-you should actually have one! The question is what is in it? What do you deem important to you in a life partner? If you notice, the top 2 items in our list above are about appearance.
Character over looks – John Gathuku, the editor of Timazi Magazine (a Christian magazine for high school students) argues that you should not love someone based on their looks, after all they did nothing to look the way they do. Love them because of their character because that takes work. He drives a very valid point. Things like patience, kindness, compassion take time and effort to develop. Those are the things we should be concerned about.
Let us ask ourselves some really important questions about the list above:
How possible is it to get all these in someone who’s below 30? Let’s be realistic. Most people in their mid-20s are in their 2nd to 3rd year of working, some even in their 1st year. That means they don’t make serious money – unless they’re selling drugs 🙂 My point is that this idea of getting a YOUNG man who’s got it together in their career, education and investment is completely unrealistic.
Do you have all those things yourself? Going by our previous point, chances are you don’t have it together too. In the rare occasion that he has all those, what are chances that he will want you if he has all that and you have nothing? I’ll leave you to answer that one.
What is the place of potential? There are hardworking guys out there who just need an opportunity to come their way to make it in life. Most of us don’t give them a second thought because they haven’t made it yet. Sad.
I remember 2013 was a tough year for us and it made me appreciate amazing things about my husband that I never knew. We lost our baby when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I was terribly sick and I was admitted in Nairobi hospital. During the days I was there, my husband would come at 7am in the morning and leave at around 10pm. He catered to my every need, sought out the nurses to check on me when I was in pain. In short, he was awesome. God gave me a hardworking, honest, firm yet kind man who loves me dearly. I thank God for giving me exactly what I needed – things that were not even on my list yet He knew they would help me.
We shall deal with the key things that ought to be in your list in another post. Today, look through the list and discard all those items that don’t add value to your relationship and pray that God shows you the things you actually need.
Author: Wanjiru Kihusa
I am Wanjiru Kihusa and I’m a writer and founder of Still A Mum – an organization that seeks to reduce maternal and newborn deaths in Africa. I am especially passionate about women and children.
I blog to share my thoughts and experiences hoping that in the process someone will learn from my life.